spilling wine onto my candy apple knowing that things aren't really ever going to be okay.

hey everyone!

just got back from the vet. we have an amputation scheduled for thursday.

the doctor says that things look pretty promising! it looks as though everything can be cleanly removed with the amputation. she will have more xrays done on her chest (both sides, and view from bottom) to ensure nothing weird is going on in her body. if something does come up on the xrays, then we will reconsider the amputation and see exactly what is taking place. if there is more bad stuff going on in the rest of her body, then we will see what our options are and go from there. but basically, from the other xrays that have been done, it looks as though it is just in her leg.

so yeah! it is good news that something can be done. the vet is really great and I am very happy that something will be taken care of so soon! as far as the costs go, he is calling us on tuesday with an estimate and see what kind of deal he can arrange. I am hoping that it is similar to the estimate the other vet gave me ($2,200CAD) because that is fairly affordable with what we have raised and saved. :)

thank you ALL so much. I will post pictures later today!

I also meant to upload this with the lucy-related entry!

lucy went in for tests yesterday.
they shaved a little patch on her leg. it looks pretty adorable/weird.

xrays showed that the mass is all around her leg-thigh area (you could
see that just by looking at it), and that it might be growing up into
her upper thigh/back area.

blood work came back today. shows that she is anemic/has a low white
blood cell count - which would mean that she has some sort of disease.

friday the aspirate analysis comes back. it will hopefully tell us if
it is cancer and how bad/what kind. it basically looks as though she'll
have to have it amputated no matter what at this point.

also, does anyone know of a good vet around here? I've been taking her
to the welland animal hospital and the vet is a really shitty guy. he
just is weird and I don't feel comfortable. someone who actually seems
like they like animals and is affordable.

why must I always feel so bad about myself?

uhh

my userpic is a baby now.
I did not change it.

yesterday I flew back home to north carolina.

jordan picked me up from the airport and I randomly puked in the car on the ride home.
he booked a room at a nice hotel and we had a lovely time hanging out there.
I felt better, which was nice. we were literally in the jacuzzi tub all night.
we bought a huge thing of watermelon bubble bath (elmo kind) and used up the whole thing.
we drank a bottle of wine and a 12 pack of pbr and listened to our favourite playlists, while smoking pack after pack of cigarettes we ordered our favourite sushi and spent the night telling each other stuff about ourselves that we had never really told each other before. it was one of the funnest nights of my life, minus not sleeping and having to go home at 1 in the afternoon.

I just want to go back and lay in the tub all day long. seriously.
look at how pruny my toes were!

the time spent at home was great. I had the best time with my friends
an also my family. it was really a nice trip home I already miss everyone.

from recently:








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I booked my flight tonight. I'll be getting into buffalo a week tomorrow.

today my sister had a seizure. the doctors said they didn't know why.
but it's probably because of the drugs she's taking on top of taking methadone.

my time spent in welland is going to be the most hectic and messed up week ever.
I am totally not looking forward to it.

I am looking forward to spending a weekend in toronto though.

jordan and I went to one last night.

it was pretty awkward. everyone was married and pregnant or completely bald.
they weren't even at that cool parents age where they treat you like a kid and let you have some wine and get all silly. they were much younger than that and yet just too old for us (me).

so what did I do? the very best thing I could do.
I drank a bottle of wine as fast as I could throw it into my body.
I couldn't handle myself sober in that situation.

they lived in this little cookie cutter townhouse and the party was taking place downstairs. in the upstairs kitchen was the most glorious array of dips, crackers, chips, delicious snacks and vegetables. the kitchen was glowing and beautiful in my eyes.

I recall going upstairs to use the washroom at one point and to my delight, everyone was downstairs. not a single soul in sight. nobody to see me shove as many tasty crackers loaded with pineapple dip into my gullet.

for at least 15 minutes (I truly milked it - I listened carefully for someone stumbling up the stairs) I literally mowed the fuck down.

I remember shoving a cherry tomato, tortilla chip, spinach dip, ranch dressing and a pretzel all into my mouth at once, in fear of this glorious moment coming to an abrupt end.

I am very glad I got to spend my new years stuffing my face.
let's go 2009.

today someone asked if I could take this puppy



:( :( :(

look at her

I've decided to go to school to become a pastry chef/baker.
(seriously)

click for larger:

reading old entries might be the hardest thing for me to do right now.

I really miss you guys.

I really like it here (on most days) and I do want to stay.
it just feels like everything here is timed. if he doesn't get
a job within the next month (from today) I am done. honestly, finished.
I don't want it to have to end this way, but I'm left with not a single
other option. life is such bullshit sometimes. why are people so difficult?

on a better note: I bought a nice sewing machine from the internet.
it sews on buttons and makes buttonholes. it is my new best friend.
I'm making a nice blue tartan bag. and I made a little pin cushion friend.

I made tofu parm the other day. it was beyond delicious.
I am making cupcakes tonight.

so, I am here now. it's a cute little place.

I feel like it's a vacation, but deep down I know it isn't.
once everything starts falling into place, things will be great.
we should be renting a nice house with a big tree filled backyard.
I plan on getting back into sewing and hopefully selling things.
that is how I shall make my living, as an alien.

I miss home, but not home itself.
just the people there.